1Why Are High-Performing People Burning Out?Just a month into 2024, beloved Sesame Street muppet Elmo innocently posted on the social media site X: "Elmo is just checking in! How is everyone doing?" The response to this tweet was staggering: more than 200 million likes and 20,000 responses later, the online world had spoken. "Elmo I'm gonna be real I am at my f*cking limit," one user wrote, and another confessed: "Not gonna lie . . . I'm tired, Elmo. A lot's going on, little Red." In message after message, it was evident that the massive online trauma dump touched on something that we as a society brush under the proverbial rug: we all have issues.Emotional struggles are just part of being alive. But there is a stigma around prioritizing mental health-even as our awareness of its importance grows. Often, society frames us as either "mentally healthy" or "mentally ill"-a false dichotomy that ignores the vast majority of the population. Mental health is a spectrum that we are all on-and, in fact, most of us are in multiple places on that spectrum at any given time. We might have healthy relationships at work but not be our best selves in romantic relationships. We might feel mostly content with our lives but on some level know that we're not living out our purpose. Which means, ultimately, that we all have more work to do.Often, we just suck it up, hoping that things will get better in time. We minimize our struggles or stuff down what we feel. If someone notices that we seem off, we deflect or say we're fine, it's really nothing. But deep down, we know it's never really nothing. To truly achieve your goals and ambitions in life-strong and supportive relationships, a thriving career or business, peak physical and mental health-you need to stand on solid emotional footing.But if mental health is so important, why do we give it so little attention?I'm a clinical psychologist and therapist working in Silicon Valley. I work with some of the most high-powered, hard-charging, accomplished people in the world. These are people who can identify a massive work problem, devise a strategy, and deliver results. They've worked hard to achieve their success. But it doesn't mean they're content with their lives. It doesn't mean they don't struggle.The truth is: life is often uncomfortable, especially when you're aiming high. Unfortunately, our instinctive reaction to discomfort is usually to turn away. Give in to that impulse consistently, however, and you'll see a gap widen between where you are and where you want to be in life. It is usually when people realize that the gap has widened so much that they are at risk of falling down that hole that they show up in my office.But here lies the dilemma: if you wait to work on your mental health until the wheels start falling off your emotional life-if you don't pay attention to what's going on inside your head until it really starts affecting your body-all that stress, anger, and low self-esteem will wreak havoc on your relationships, your work, and your overall satisfaction in life.Unfortunately, many people don't realize that something needs to shift until it feels too late to change things. This way of thinking about mental health is entirely backward-it's like waiting until you're diagnosed with early signs of heart disease to start doing cardio. Instead, I encourage my clients to rethink mental health by addressing it more the way we now know we should be thinking about physical health: proactively. I realized that what people really need in order to keep their emotional life in shape is a proactive regimen for mental and emotional health, so that when they do hit the inevitable obstacles in life, they're able to move through them with strength, flexibility, and confidence rather than stumbling under pressure.Can we actually train our body for mental health, just as we do for physical health? The answer is yes.You Can't Succeed on Smarts AloneWhile I was in grad school for clinical psychology, I realized that the information I was learning was being gatekept within my campus and my textbooks. At the time, there were no "emotional intelligence" classes in high school or college. People weren't flocking to social media to talk about "healthy communication" or "setting boundaries" or anyone's "growth mindset." Meditation was still fringe. And the idea of prioritizing mental health was definitely not normalized. These concepts are more mainstream today, but back then, if you weren't getting a degree in psychology, there was very little information on how to navigate relationships in a psychologically minded way. People were supposed to possess fully developed emotional coping skills, yet they were discouraged from seeking support in developing those skills or even admitting to having trouble with them. This was especially true in the context of work, as I observed firsthand with my roommate at the time, Monica.Monica was struggling. The small-fish start-up she was working for had just been acquired by a big-fish company, and she was thrust suddenly into a massive corporate machine. From the outside, the company was well-run and highly profitable. It attracted top-tier performers, the hungry and smart, the motivated and the hardworking. The employees possessed the "right" traits typically considered important for success. In other words, they had all the hard skills to make it. But Monica would come home from work night after night to unload about what an absolute nightmare the place was, and I could tell she was overwhelmed and burned-out.Over time and a lot of takeout, we figured out the company had made several unforced but common errors: there was ineffective communication between departments, leadership seemed to be leaking their emotional issues all over the place, and there was a severe lack of empathy for employees inside and outside of work. It all came down to overlooking or undervaluing important soft skills (a term that wildly undercuts how significant and difficult these skills are). Everyone had the business acumen and product intelligence to drive sales and profits, but not everyone had the emotional intelligence to make the workplace a positive and collaborative environment. And leadership didn't seem interested in doing much about it, even as attrition skyrocketed and growth sputtered. Everyone blamed the company itself, but I saw the trees through the forest: to have a healthy organization, every individual needs to feel supported to show up as a healthy version of themself.The company was failing because the people who made it up were struggling. Even though they were intelligent. Creative. The "best of the best." They couldn't succeed on smarts or talent alone. And neither could the business. It's true in tech, and it's true in all industries and walks of life: we bring our emotional selves to work every single day whether we like it or not. So why does our society so often privilege hard skills over interpersonal intelligence?One big problem stemmed from the stigmas and misconceptions about emotions and mental health overall. At the time, therapy was a four-letter word, and people were discouraged from even mentioning their mental health unless they were in the throes of a crisis-and then, they were judged for having a crisis at all!As I supported Monica in navigating her frustrations with work, I started to wonder: What if people didn't wait so long to tackle their long-suffering inner demons and seek help? Could mental health be a more proactive practice? What if we didn't wait until things were falling apart to work on our mental and emotional health? Which led me to the next question: What if we treated emotional health the way we treat physical fitness? Could we shift our mindset about mental health care to look more like going to the gym and less like going to the doctor? And what would this look like in the workplace (where we spend about a third of our lives)?There's No Quick FixThe importance of proactive physical fitness is both ancient and relatively new. Our ancestors had physical exercise built right into their lives, as they had to hunt for food, and, in hard times, they migrated hundreds of miles to find it. And up until the 1950s, most jobs required physical movement and labor. There was a baseline of movement in everyday life, which contributed to overall health. The downside was, of course, that a physical injury could sideline a person (and hinder their economic prospects) for good.This baseline of movement has been slipping away as we move to an information-based society. So what have we done? We've adapted. If someone one hundred years ago had told you they were going for a run, you'd have probably wondered why-were they being chased? Jogging to improve physical health proactively is a newer idea, but it's now common sense that it's better to be proactive about your physical health instead of waiting until you're sick and then trying to fix it.These days, many people (especially those in tech) are using their minds instead of their bodies at work. Which means, as my cofounder, Alexa Meyer, would say, burnout is the workplace injury of the twenty-first century. Unhealthy mind, unhealthy bottom line. At work and at home-in all aspects of our lives-it's imperative that we're as proactive with our mental and emotional health as we are with our physical health. If the world doesn't start thinking about things this way, we should brace for a global mental breakdown.Many people like to believe that if they're not sick, they're healthy. But talk to someone who prioritizes physical fitness-someone who sleeps eight hours a night, exercises, and eats well-and they'll tell you, just because you aren't ill, does not mean you're physically fit. The same is true with emotional fitness-you might not be suffering from daily panic attacks, but that does not necessarily mean you are in good shape emotionally.But just as a magic pill won't give you six-pack abs, there is no quick fix for work-related burnout or a troubled marriage. Transformation and personal growth demand consistent and directed effort. To develop as a human being and reach your full potential, you don't need general principles. You need a regimen. To train for a triathlon, you don't just read about running, biking, and swimming for two months. You set training goals based on your knowledge, train consistently using proven methods, and measure your progress to stay on track. You also eat well, get good sleep, and recruit emotional support from your community.No one finishes, let alone wins, a triathlon on a whim. It takes a trusted system and a daily commitment to action. A good system says: do these things in this order, and you will achieve the expected outcome by race day. Follow the program and get the results. Why should emotional fitness work any differently?The demand for help is there. Public figures are opening up about their emotional health struggles. Books, apps, and courses try to fill the gap, but no single resource has yet laid out a training regimen for emotional fitness. Experts describe emotional health without offering a path to achieving it. We spend hundreds-thousands, even-going to the gym, Pilates, and spin studios in our Lululemon outfits, but we don't spend nearly enough capital on our mental health.I want to change that.You Can Train for Mental StrengthMy first lessons in the power of psychology were given to me by my mother. With Yoda-like wisdom, she has always had an enormous talent for synthesizing emotional turmoil into manageable and digestible lessons in human behavior.One such moment: On a particularly trying day in middle school (weren't all days in middle school trying?), I had the experience that many young girls have of being bullied by some mean girls. That night, I sat with my mom, in tears, and asked if I should just switch schools. She told me that she could understand the desire to run away but that perhaps I had an opportunity to look inward instead."Emily," she said, "you have some great friends and a family that loves you, but inevitably, you're going to come across people who are less kind and have a lot of anger. Here's the thing, though-no one can hurt you with insults that you don't believe about yourself. Which means that self-compassion is the antidote to any and all hate that comes your way."Her stunning revelations always hit exactly the way I needed them to, and they transformed my relationship with my emotions and thoughts so profoundly that they shaped my life's trajectory. I realized how powerful it could be to make space for my feelings, to examine my thoughts, to own my experiences, and to process my life as I go. I also took a psychology class in high school that taught me that when you know a lot about psychology, you know a little about everything, because the world is spoken in the language of relationships, and psychology is the study of the relationships we have to ourselves and to other people. I loved this idea-that I could learn the language of relationships-and I found myself pursuing a career in therapy so that I could support people through their struggles.Born and raised in Silicon Valley, I developed an interest in the mindset and thought processes of entrepreneurs. During the tech boom that was happening when I was in grad school, it became clear to me that the people who are running the huge companies we all interact with are deciding a lot about our world and society, so the more mentally and emotionally healthy they are, the better off we all are. And so, when I graduated, I dove headfirst into supporting the emotional needs of business founders and other high-functioning entrepreneurs.As you can imagine, the life of an entrepreneur demands extraordinary fortitude and flexibility. Unfortunately, most don't come to the table with the necessary emotional fitness to pull it off. As a group, these individuals tend to work even harder when the going gets tough rather than seek outside help. It's no wonder their personal problems get out of hand. Entrepreneurial meltdowns are common in the press for good reason. While the company they start may last long enough to file for an IPO, the emotionally unfit entrepreneur probably won't be there to ring the bell above the trading floor.In my private practice, I've helped hundreds of entrepreneurs navigate these difficult waters through the development of emotional fitness. What I've come to see is that with enough sets and reps in the emotional gym of daily life, anyone can build the necessary patience, strength, character, and resilience to succeed over the long term. Working on these areas strikes many people as counterintuitive at first. These are capacities that most entrepreneurs-and most people-believe come naturally. My clinical experience proves otherwise.
Copyright © 2025 by Dr. Emily Anhalt. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
